Somebody stop me

Another one of the wonderful things we learned in Birth 101 is that, contrary to popular belief, a woman's water doesn't always burst into a giant gush on the floor while you're wearing your favorite blue flowered dress and walking down an aisle at the grocery store. Oh no, there are different ways that this important piece of fetal protection can begin the birthing process, one of which is to rupture ever so slightly that you don't even know anything's going on. How handy a warning sign. Armed with this knowledge, on Monday I found myself questioning the possibility of that being just the case. I won't go into detail of course; I wouldn't want to turn away any readers of this blog with TMI. We'll just say that I was concerned enough to call my OB's office first thing Tuesday morning, to be told by early that afternoon that it sounded like something I should come in to have looked at. Not often does my clinic have me in for a visit after I've called with my latest hypochondria-induced report...they're conservative like that. So you can imagine the things that started running through my head when the nurse informed me that I didn't even have a specific appointment time, I was to just check in and they'd be ready for me. I frantically tried to accomplish four more weeks' worth of maternity leave prep at work in thirty minutes, cursing the procrastination problem that is now one of my strongest talents. In my head I ran through everything still unfinished at home, in particular the significant piece of baby gear known as the carseat still missing from our vehicles. I tried to deal with the disappointment of not being able to attend two of my own showers next weekend, imagining how all of my friends and family would gather for a wonderful day of reuniting, eating and laughing while I laid around my house trying to learn how to be a new parent. But worst of all, I envisioned the lashing I was in for from my parents as I cut short their excursion in the South with their good friends D&D. Some of you know that back during Christmastime, I was strongly advised by my very own godfather that I not mess up their trip and especially their tickets to the Masters by giving birth early to the first male child in my family. I took that warning to heart and vowed to never even consider imposing on a gathering of 50-somethings running around behaving like 20-somethings. Not to mention that considering D is an attorney, I figured he'd take me to court for breaking a verbal contract and send me straight to jail for the first few years of my son's life. So as I lay on the doctor's table, waiting to be told that I was in the early stages of labor, I considered the irony of the situation. Fear of imprisonment aside, I couldn't help but chuckle. Once I would receive the news that I would be forbidden from leaving the hospital until our little bundle of joy had arrived safe and sound, I would call Josh, send him into a panic, and he would suddenly find himself in charge of all of my previous stress and that dreaded phone call to the soon-t0-be grandparents and god-grandparents. They would race to the airport for the next emergency flight home, drive well over the legal limit to the hospital, and come rushing through the hospital doors just in time to settle into whatever their positions would be for the arrival of JJ Cocherell. Yes, that's how it would happen, everybody would be beyond thrilled that they had beaten the delivery clock and as an added bonus my sister would arrive soon after from Denver. Yes, yes, that's exactly how it would all happen, I just knew it! As I began to adjust to the idea and forget all of my worries, the moment arrived for the in-house OB to assess the situation. As she talked me through everything, she calmed my nerves even more with her fantastic bedside manner and before I knew it I was ready to have this child. Bring it on doc, let's meet my little man! And just like that - false alarm. (Did I say something earlier about hypochondria and a slight procrastination problem?) Phew...what a relief because I most definitely am not ready for this baby to arrive.